#17 Seeing reality as it is 平和冷靜的面對現實

A 10-day meditation course to wrap up February and start off March

This morning I woke up at 6:30 am, did a 45-minute meditation, made myself a cup of tea, did laundry, and headed out for a yoga class by 8:30 am. Since moving back home two months ago I had been struggling with waking up in the morning — if you were here too you’d see me rolling out of bed later than my grandma at 10 am, I hadn’t been meditating at all. Even yoga classes that I enjoy doing frequently get canceled at the last minute due to my lack of energy. But this morning, the lethargy that engulfed me left without a trace. I knew this had to do with the 10-day Vipassana course I completed the day before. Though I didn’t sign up for the course to fix this specifically, I am so glad I took the course.

今天早上我六點半起床、八點半出門去做瑜伽。中間我完成了四十五分鐘的冥想、泡了茶、吃了簡單的早餐、甚至還洗了衣服也曬了衣服。你不知道的是：自從兩個月前我搬回外婆家住，經常我比外婆還晚起床，也根本忘記平常冥想的習慣。連喜歡的瑜伽課也常常因為怕體力透支就臨時取消了。但今天早上那了無生氣的自己消失得無影無蹤，當然這和我剛完成的十天的內觀冥想課程有極大的關係，雖然也不是因早上起不來而報名這課程的，但我好開心我完成了這課程。

For those who don’t know, Vipassana means “to see things as they really are”. The technique to be learned was the exact technique that Gautama Buddha discovered and reached enlightenment with. During the course, you would learn the meditation technique first and then learn the theories behind it. The technique though originated in India, ended up being preserved in Burma for 2500 years until it was revived again in the 1960s. I didn’t know any of this before going in, so I guess I didn’t do my proper research. I did know that it was an intensive meditation course that is very strict, but people seemed to be getting a lot of benefits from it, and hence why the number of centers to teach the course kept on growing despite the organization being fairly decentralized and not part of any organized religion. And that for 10 days you’re going to live in the center, not talk to anyone, and just meditate (10 hours a day!). I wasn’t scared by that because in my mind there were many experiences that were vaguely parallel to this: the countless hotel & home quarantines I had to do during COVID in Hong Kong and Taipei — the longest I had to quarantine was 21 days in a hotel; my then-boyfriend participated in the same course last year and I was on the receiving end of not being able to talk to the person I love dearly for 10 days; a 2-day insight meditation course I took last year; and practicing yoga regularly over the past year (though at a level much, much, much less comparable in hindsight).

Vipassana 中文的翻譯是內觀，意思是如其本然地觀察事物，課程便是教你當時釋迦摩尼佛研發並從中獲得覺悟的方法以及其背後原理。這個法從印度傳到緬甸後在印度本土失傳多年，但在緬甸二千五百年的代代相傳後在一九六零年代又傳回印度並傳向全世界。我在報名參加前並不知道這些，顯然我並沒有做好功課，但我知道這是一個蠻嚴格的課程，而很多人在完成後都獲益良多，即便這課程不隸屬任何宗教組織，在短時間內為了配合需求在世界各地不斷的增設新的中心授課。課程一次參加便要參加十天，每天必須住在中心，不能和任何人講話，就是一天十小時的專心學習冥想。我並沒有因為這打退堂鼓，也覺得過去不同的經驗跟這十天課程有些相似之處：在新冠疫情中在香港、台北兩地隔離超多次，最長一次是二十一天的酒店隔離，去年時前男友也參加了這個課程而我體會過十天不能和心愛的人講話，而我也在去年參加了一個兩天一夜的內觀冥想課程，以及每週固定練習瑜伽很多天。

I knew it was going to be intense, but I had other demons I was fighting: I was extremely emotional about the ups and downs in life (work, family, relationships, all of it) — so emotional I could feel ecstatic or ball my eyes out within minutes. Now and then I also get very anxious about the impending death, which I know logically everyone dies, but I just erratically feel very, very anxious about it! For the last three years, I set my word of the year each year to be “centered” I want to weather all the ups and downs with more grace. And I want to just be okay with the fact that everything is impermanent, including the life I am living. So, even if the course is intense, and some people might not be able to take it and quit midway — I want to just finish it and see if “seeing everything as it is” can lead to being more “centered”. Even if I spiral in anxiety during the course, the only way out is through!

我知道課程會很辛苦，但我也有其他極煩神的事情：我是個非常情緒化的人，不論是工作、家人、感情生活，個人經常受到很大的內在風波，也甚至可以在短時間內由極度開心到嚎啕大哭都有。而時不時我也會對於死亡有很大的惶恐，即便理性的知道死亡是人生必經的道路，還是很不理智經常感到惶恐。已經連續三年了，每年我的期許就是那年自己可以更堅定，不要有那麼多內在風波，所以既然決定要參加這個課程了，不管辛苦，我也想知道「如其本然地觀察事物」是否能讓自己更加堅定，課程再怎麼難，我就想完成它試試看，即便惶恐症爆發，唯一的出路是去經歷它。

The 10 days passed by quickly, and I am really happy I took the course and completed it. Initially, I was a bit hesitant to share the exact experiences I had because experiences written down and consumed over text seem to become an intellectualization of it and a very particular version: my version. And my experience will differ from yours, the wisdom I gained is specific to myself only. Also, it would be impossible to write down everything that I have experienced, so here are just some excerpts for now:

十天過得很快，我很開心我完成了這個課程，但其實我一開始有點遲疑是否該分享我的經驗，畢竟每個人的經驗是不同的，而用文字寫出的經驗也不能精準表達當下實際經歷到的，只是一個最接近的形容而已，而且實在不可能以一篇文章內寫表述所有的經歷，所以這只是一部分：

Before coming to the course, I was very aware that intellectually I understood concepts like “everything is impermanent” and “suffering is because of unwholesome cravings and aversions” but did I really understand it? No! I remember repeatedly being told that by someone in person and through books… but it’s as if those words carried no weight, it did make sense at the moment but it would also pass straight through my head immediately. Yet through the course, I was able to get actual glimpses of the abstract concepts of impermanence, craving, and aversions. I was able to observe the sensations in my body, really see them arising and passing away (the impermanent nature), and see that I had a clear aversion to pain, and remaining equanimous when feeling pain is very difficult. I could also see that when I disregarded pain as “pain”, and just treated it like any other sensation I would feel in the body, the pain stopped bothering me as much, and eventually I was unbothered — yet this is not an act of suppressing the pain, this is just seeing it as it is, and seeing it pass away. And then I would feel pain again and get bothered, and then be unbothered again. As such is life! It’s not about not feeling pain, but how you respond to it equanimously and let it pass away.

在來參加課程錢，我以文字上已了解「萬物無常」的概念，也知道眾多人生中的「痛苦來自於過度渴望或排斥事物」，雖然我以為很了解了，但事實上並沒有，畢竟除非身體力行，該如何真正了解呢？如果真的了解了，為什麼還是會有那些動盪的情緒以及焦慮呢？很幸運的是，在課程我有辦法去稍微親身體會這些概念，透過仔細地覺察自己的呼吸以及身體上細微的感受，從感覺發起到沒有感覺的那稍縱即逝感，真的是「無常」。而在身體上察覺到疼痛的感覺時，又能察覺隨之而起的不悅感，但我若將各種感覺（包含疼痛）統稱為「感覺」那疼痛便不再那麼引起我的不悅感了。這令我很驚豔：原來真的可以用不壓抑自己的情緒、想法的方式，以非常平靜、客觀的角度去對待所有的感覺，連痛也沒那麼痛了。當然，時不時還是會感到痛，那就要提醒自己，這只是一個感覺而已，稍縱即逝。

Thoughts, like sensations, would also keep arising and passing away. And I noticed, if I indulge in a thought, I would start doing something crazy like writing a business plan for an imaginary startup in my head and forget I was supposed to be meditating. All the exciting ideas! Yet if I just see it as a thought, I can continue my meditation, though soon another thought would arise. You can apply this to happy thoughts, unhappy spiraling thoughts, fun or depressing ideas — when you indulge in it, in essence, you’re giving in to your cravings or aversions. If you’re aware and equanimous then you’d be able to be objective. Again, I’ve read all of this in theory before coming to the course, but the experience makes all the difference.

腦袋裡的想法跟身體上的細微感受一樣，不斷地會升起、滅去。我也發現，當一個想法升起，我只要去多想一下，不知不覺我就突然開始在腦袋裡編織故事，有一次就天馬行空的開始想各種創業想法，忘記自己應該要在冥想。但若我在冥想時，跟冥想無關的想法升起時，只要意識到：「啊，是個想法耶」，便能專心回到冥想，但不論是什麼開心的、難過的、憂慮的、刺激的念頭，只要放縱自己去多想一下，便容易因為放縱自己的渴望而帶來自己痛苦。反而需要平和的察覺所有的想法才能確保自己不會受自己的想法擺佈的。當然，這些看似悟出的道理，也都是之前字面上閱讀過的，還是要自己體會過才能真正了解。

Many people ask me: Did you feel like quitting midway? Perhaps once, on Day 8 when the temperature suddenly dropped 10 degrees when I only had summer clothes on and the wind started howling outside (as if maintaining internal peace with the storm within wasn’t difficult enough!) so strong that the windows to the meditation hall were shaking almost nonstop throughout our hour of meditation — it was the weakest moment I felt. And the moment I felt weak, I saw that I started thinking about how cold I was feeling despite being indoors. I started contemplating that I perhaps shouldn’t leave on Day 8 out of a 10-days course, but wow it felt so daunting to just step out of the hall later. I started wondering if people who have left the course already felt as much or more despair. And more importantly how long did it take for them to make the decision to leave? Is it something that happens at the moment? Or a calculated decision?…… Noticing the thoughts were growing, I managed to pull myself back to my senses: Tania, you’re going to stick it out. You will be fine. And that’s how I ended that train of thought that could have ended up in a spiral and went back to focusing on my breath which eventually got me back into the zone of meditation.

很多朋友問我：你有沒有想要半途而廢啊？在第八天的時候，那天剛好天氣變化「無常」，從下午的夏天氣候，突然驟降了十度，馬上變成冬天的感覺，又因為我們在山上，開始刮超級強的大風，寒風刺骨，連冥想的法堂的窗戶也不斷的被風吹的格格作響，那時候我意志力好薄弱。即便我大部分時間在室內，但我不斷的想外面的風有多可怕、我會有多冷，我甚至想了一下，我不應該十天課程內的第八天離開啊，都快過完了！我也不禁納悶，其他早退的同學是否也是跟我現在的意志力一樣低迷，還是比此時的我狀態更差呢？而一個人決定要放棄的時候到底是一時的決定呢？還是考慮很久的啊？想了又想，我阻止自己己再繼續想下去，我便跟自己說：妳不會放棄。妳會沒事的。慢慢地我把注意力拉回呼吸上面，漸漸的回到了冥想的狀態中。

On the morning of day 11, everyone left the course smiling. A big task was completed. Despite the task being quite uncomfortable at times — mostly in confinement and silence — it is after all not a task in the real world: it was a very, very safe place to learn and grow. It was made possible only by countless other students before us who benefitted from the past who donated their time to help recreate the experience and money necessary to fund everything. In this well-designed course that at times may give prison-like vibes, we learned a skill that we can use for life. In fact, now we each have 100 hours of meditation under our belts, perhaps we now feel somewhat ready to weather the storms of the real world. The cliche saying goes: you can’t change what others say or do, but you can change how you react to it. These 10 days really taught me that.

第十一天早上，大家離開的時候都是微笑的。一個大個任務完成了，即便任務過程中時而很不舒服，少了很多身體上的自主，也不能講話，但這個任務畢竟是在一個安全的環境下完成的。我覺得我是在一個備受保護、呵護的情形下慢慢學習、成長的。能有這個環境學習，都是因為有之前的學員回來做義工服務、並捐款才能不間斷地繼續開設課程。雖然這個環境有時候有點像監獄，但也是這個環境讓我學習一個終身可以受用的技巧，在短短十天內，因為那麼辛苦的練習冥想，竟也有一百個小時的冥想經驗了，也對回到現實生活中的人生大小事情也比較能堅定地面對。俗話說，你不能改變別人對的說的話、做的事，但你可以改變你自己的感受——而這十天真的教會我了這個道理。

The mountain road leading to the Vipassana center 附上兩張前往課程的山路上的風景

Lastly, I am very grateful to all the people before me who practiced Vipassana which eventually led to me. I’m grateful for meeting work friends who happened to have attended the course before and shared on social media which planted a seed in me. I am grateful for yoga which taught me loads of core strength and allowed me to meditate for long hours without back pain. I am also grateful for previous quarantining experiences which made life away from society this time around much easier. I am grateful to myself for running around Hong Kong on low sleep and organizing and attending events nonstop right before going into the course, which helped me persevere when I was mad exhausted during the course. I am also very grateful to my ex-partner who participated in the course before I did, which inspired me that: if he can do it, so can I!

除了感謝能有機會受前人恩惠參加這個課程，更謝謝過去的幾年在社群媒體上看到不同的工作上認識的朋友分享他們先前參加內觀冥想課程的經驗，我才知道有這個課程的存在。我也感謝透過瑜伽課練習很多身體核心技巧，讓自己即便久坐也沒有感到背痛。除此之外當然還有之前的隔離經驗讓我可以可以輕鬆過完遠離社會的日子，也謝謝參加課程前兩個禮拜的自己在睡眠不足的情況下仍勞碌的辦活動，讓我可以在即便睡不好仍舊可以提起精神冥想⋯⋯最後也謝謝前男友比我早參加這個課程，讓我知道他可以的話、我也可以的！

I hope some of you may want to try this 10-day Vipassana course, let me know if you do! May you be happier, and make the people around you happier as well.

希望你也會想要嘗試這十天的冥想課程，期待你分享你參加後的心得。祝福你開心，也祝福你和你身邊的人一起更加開心！